(A true story from The Olden Days.)

The other night two middle-aged men propping up the bar across the street were ranting at length about women. It wasn’t the usual “women did all this bad stuff to me and are mean to me, therefore all women suck” bitter nonsense, it was a sociopath-level tirade.

There weren’t many people around yet so the primary misogynist was using Brenda, Sally, Maria, Vivian and me as his proof of everything that was wrong with women, I mean, “the undersex”. “Look at them,” he said. “They’ve never read a thing in their lives besides overpriced glossy magazines with lots of pictures. And they spend all their time and money on their appearance. With the amount of money women spend on make up and clothes and shoes, you could save other people’s lives. How many hours do you think they spent on their appearance, just today?!”

At this point I turned around and said “ten minutes, actually,” to which Mr 50-Year-Old Virgin replied “yeah, it looks like it. Try 20 next time, you might feel better about yourself.” It’s always amusing when thoroughly pompous idiots entirely contradict the point they were trying to make (that women should spend less time on their appearance) in an effort to be insulting, and make a tableful of girls giggle in the process. (Come to think of it, that was probably the most attention he’d received from women in recent memory. Good for him!)

He went on and on for far longer than I could be bothered to listen (we had hot topics like hurricane weather patterns, viral infections and the recently discovered gaping hole in the universe to discuss) but it was hard not to overhear him yelling “I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL PENIS” repeatedly. Eventually he picked up his small backpack, but it on and left with his little friend.

PS — As I was writing this, Sally walked out of the shower (because cleanliness is important, kids) and said in a high-pitched, whiny voice: “How many hours do you think they spent getting ready?!” See, I’m not the only one who woke up still amused. Thank you, Mr 50-Year-Old Virgin!