Day jobs are easier with brand new computers and the ability to take “look at me! I’m fourteen again!” self portraits with “comic book” effects.

My last three posts have sucked. Sorry. Jokes that my mum forwarded me + funny stories from the internet + webcam self portraits = someone who shouldn’t be allowed web space. I’m about 13 years too old for any of the above. Oh dear.

Shooting Beirut, Devon Williams and The Brunettes for Prefix at the Wiltern — reputed to be the nation’s absolute worst venue in which to shoot bands — tonight. Intriguing.

Then at the weekend I’m going to sell merch at the House of Blues in Anaheim.

Yeah, it’s a weird week.

(PS — my desktop wallpaper is my picture of the Citibank building on Sunset in Echo Park. You know the one.)

Time For Some Stories by Dave Secretary

(There are a lot more of these. You should read them if you want to laugh aloud.)

THIS IS SHORT BUT WORTH NOTING FOR MY OWN SAKE

THE LITTLE LIBRARY IN MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (AYLMER ELEMENTARY) WAS LOCATED IN THE EAST WING, WHICH WAS THE NEWEST ADDITION TO THE SCHOOL AT THE TIME. (IT WAS A SMALL SCHOOL, AND A VERY SMALL LIBRARY). MOST OF US LIKED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY. NOT BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS, THOUGH, BUT BECAUSE THERE WAS THIS GIANT STUFFED GREAT HORNED OWL SET ATOP ONE OF THE HIGHER BOOKSHELVES IN THE BACK. THE OWL HAD ITS WINGS SLIGHTLY OUTSTRETCHED AND IT WAS JUST COLOSSAL. IT WAS PRACTICALLY MY SIZE.

ANYWAY THE OWL GAVE OFF A VERY MUSTY, WOODSY SORT OF ODOR THAT MADE THE LIBRARY SMELL LIKE AN OLD MUSEUM, OR AN ABANDONED COTTAGE AND THAT JUST MADE THE LIBRARY EVEN COOLER.

ANYWAY ONE OF OUR LITTLE RITUALS WHILE WALKING TO THE LIBRARY WENT AS FOLLOWS: FIRST THERE WAS A LITTLE STEP DOWN WHEN YOU WENT INTO THE EAST WING - IT WAS CUSTOMARY FOR STUDENTS TO JUMP WHEN WE APPROACHED THE STEP, TOUCH THE CEILING TILE ABOVE OUR HEADS (ONE OF THOSE LARGE SQUARE CEILING TILES MADE OUT OF THIN DRY-WALL) AND THEN FALL THE EXTRA 6 INCHES INTO THE EAST WING. SINCE WE ALWAYS HAD TO WALK IN A LINE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EVERY KID BASICALLY GOT A CHANCE TO JUMP AT THE STEP, AND WE WOULD OFTEN TEASE ANYONE WHO FAILED TO TOUCH THE CEILING TILE. I THINK IT WAS ALMOST CONSIDERED BAD LUCK OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY THE SECOND STEP TO THIS ROUTINE WAS THAT ONCE YOU WERE IN THE LIBRARY YOU HAD TO GO TO THE BACK, JUMP UP AND TOUCH ONE OF THE WINGS ON THE GREAT HORNED OWL. ONCE YOU HAD TOUCHED BOTH THE CEILING TILE IN THE EAST WING, AND THE FEATHERS ON THE OWL’S WING, YOU WERE SET FOR THE DAY.

THE PROBLEM WITH THE SECOND PART OF THIS DUTY WAS THAT THE GREAT HORNED OWL WAS PERCHED RATHER PRECARIOUSLY ATOP THE BOOKSHELF, AND WOULD TEETER ALARMINGLY EVERYTIME SOMEONE TOUCHED IT. IT WASN’T UNUSUAL TO SPEND ONE’S TIME IN THE LIBRARY HELPING JOE AND FRANK HARDY GET TO THE SECRET ISLAND WHILE KEEPING AN WATCHFUL EYE ON THE GENTLY ROCKING OWL IN THE FAR BACK.

OF COURSE THE TEACHERS SHARING LIBRARIAN DUTY NOTICED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND EVENTUALLY AFTER SOME HIDDEN MEETINGS DECIDED THAT THE OWL HAD TO GO. I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WAS SITTING ON ONE OF THOSE SHORT STOOLS WITH THE WHEELS AND CURSING CHET’S SLUGGISHNESS WHEN SUDDENLY AN AWFUL MOAN AROSE FROM EVERY MAN AND WOMAN IN THE ROOM. I STOOD UP AND IMMEDIATELY LOOKED OVER TO THE FAR BACK JUST IN TIME TO SEE TWO TEACHERS WRESTLE (WITH NO LITTLE DIFFICULTY, I MIGHT ADD) THAT GIANT OWL OFF THE BOOKCASE AND DISAPPEAR WITH IT THROUGH ONE OF THE BACK DOORS.

WE WERE ALL VERY SAD THAT DAY. THERE WAS SOME SPIRITED TALK OF RESCUING THE OWL, AND MANY PLANS WERE DRAFTED AND REVISED THROUGHOUT MATH, BUT ULTIMATELY WE REALIZED THAT A VERY LARGE PART OF OUR CHILDHOOD HAD BEEN ABSCONDED.

THE NEXT DAY WE HAD LIBRARY TIME AGAIN, BUT THERE WASN’T ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH ENTHUSIASM AS THERE ONCE WAS. WE ALL SHUFFLED AROUND LISTLESSLY - IT JUST WASN’T GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE OWL. ONCE AGAIN WE WERE LINED UP, BUT THIS TIME WE MARCHED TOWARDS THE EAST WING WITH THE HOPELESS DISINTEREST OF A PRISONER MARCH. WHEN WE APPROACHED THE EAST WING NOBODY EVEN BOTHERED TO JUMP; THERE WAS NO POINT.

AS THE LINE TRICKLED DOWN THE STEP AND INTO THE EAST WING THIS KID DONALD, WHO HAD DONE HIS BEST TO ROUSE OUR SPIRITS SINCE THE DISASTER, DECIDED HE WASN’T GOING TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE AND JUMPED WHEN HE REACHED THE STEP. HE GRACEFULLY BRUSHED HIS FINGERTIPS AGAINST THE CEILING TILE, AND THEN, FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, THE HEAVENS OPENED UP, A GREAT BLACK SHADOW CAME OUT OF THE SKY LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING, DONALD PLUMMETED TO EARTH LIKE SOME DEMENTED ICARUS, AND THEN A GOOD PART OF THE EAST WING CAVED IN ON TOP OF US.

OF COURSE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT OUR IDIOT TEACHER-CUM-LIBRARIANS DECIDED THE SAFEST PLACE TO STORE THE OWL WAS IN THE CEILING, ROUGHLY RIGHT FUCKING ABOVE THE PLACE WHERE ALL THE KIDS LIKED TO JUMP. (THIS WAS, BY THE WAY, MY FIRST REAL GLIMPSE INTO THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF DESTINY, FATE, AND A SELF-RIGHTING UNIVERSE.) AND OF COURSE WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT WHEN DONALD TOUCHED THE TILES, THE OWL, NOW PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED IN THE DEPTHS OF THE CEILING, FINALLY TOPPLED OVER AND FELL THROUGH THE WEAKENED TILE, TAKING DOWN DONALD AND A HANDFUL OF OTHER STUDENTS. SEVERAL OF US WERE COVERED IN A FINE DUST. I WISH I COULD SAY THAT A FEW FEATHERS FLOATED GENTLY IN THE BREEZE BUT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. IT WAS A GREAT DAY. I HUGGED THE OWL, (SOMETHING I HAD WANTED TO DO SINCE MY FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN) AND, AS I HAD IMAGINED, THE OWL WAS TOO BIG FOR MY ARMS TO REACH ALL THE WAY AROUND IT. WHICH TOTALLY FUCKING RULED.

A: A small lie.

Fun. Energetic. Bouncy. For Prefix.

It was so packed I couldn’t find John, who wrote it up for Prefix. I used to write about shows when I was a little’un, but I realised I’m rubbish at it (hence “Fun. Energetic. Bouncy.”) That’s why you should read John’s review instead.

I hate my noisy pictures, so I’m playing around with Noise Ninja to celebrate Memorial Day. I just started, so please send advice.

Hollywood recently got loose in Los Feliz. His owner had to wander the neighbourhood yelling “Hollywood!”, to which bemused locals yelled back “Los Feliz!”

Dizzee Rascal makes me homesick.

(Shot for Prefix.)

The Echoplex video effect thing is fun to shoot.

(For Prefix.)

Fun. Dark! But fun.

Dark Meat members wandering around pre performance are easy to pick out even before they put their war paint on. Maybe I’ve been living in Los Angeles too long… (Who hasn’t?)

Their big green bus parked outside made me want to stow away and split, once and for all.

But then I remembered that living here means I get to see relative locals Restaurant and Crystal Antlers all the time, which cheered me up.

Also, bands playing below a giant owl (by Brian Buchanan) make life good. More on that when Babygirl and I get The Owlies off the ground.

(For Prefix.)

(Shot for Prefix.)

Dour and lovely and in stockinged feet. Very foreign in this shiny land of eternal sunshine. Quite to my taste.